my northern holidays

i'm going back hometown for my long week holidays. managed to catch up wif some buddies but not all.

having the chance to watch Body guards and assassins at gsc, gurney.. and my long lost frens-tears come visit out of expectations.

i thought it will be just some sort of normal movies as usual.. who knows few scenes started to touch me so much that, tears bcum unstoppable..

i remembered last movie i cried in cinema was Million Dollar baby few years back. and i cried so serious this time, coz las hour of the movie for B&G, i cried at the part talking abt family ties... seeing how father care abt their children. i love my family.. and i will love them as much as i could.

history part 20

there's one time, we need to meet up ur coursemate to get things from her. yea her.. female frens of every bf are 'bitches/soon-to-be-bitches' which really annoying.

however, i hav no comment since she is helping u on ur study. so we walk walk like usual holding hands to meet her up.we were walking down da staircase and i saw a gal standing right down at the staircase standing back facing our directions. all of sudden, u notice her appearance as well, my hand was left 'alone' by urs... omg u step on my anger point. u straight away drop my hands and walk around 2x speed than our spped b4 this towards her, then i was left alone behind standing right there dunno if i should come later following u, intro myself as ur gf....

back 2 reality, i stand there right behind both of u, 'act busy', looking at the flow of people around.. u both seems very 'into' the exchange of conversations as if din seeing each other for ten yrs i guess.

later, when u back 2 reality, oh i think u remembered u did bring 1 puppy wif u jus now, aka me, left alone behind u 2. u giving me the smile whenever u did something 'wrong/'forget' abt me most of the times. i smile to her though i din intro myself. u ran to me and giving da same smile again. u knew what will happened next.

"very happy 2 see her, aren't u?"
"long time din see her dy rite"
"i m just 'happned' to tag along companying u rite?"
"u drop my hand and ran to her, r u?"
"i am gf, am i?"
shouldnt u be intro me to her? instead of dropping my hand and act as if i din appear at all?"
"im just companion to meet her, rite?"
"u react ,talk and smile as if din meet her for 10 yrs,"
"i know i am nobody when comes to ur study life or so ever, but i am gf if im not mistaken"
"u like it if i drop urs front of my frens?"

as usual, u act like a small kid who try 2 get forgivness for making mistakes. i still give the same no respond face, but deep inside i start 2 think, it seems to be an unhealthy way of r/ship.

my normal face aka angry face keep showing whole day long. i really don understand, what makes a bf react such way.
its just a fren, which meet up to get things, what for da gf's hands need to be dropped and left behind all alone?

gf standing alone behind, dunno if she should walk front , 'interrupt and intro herself, or stand right where she is, and being the 'sporting gf".

being da 1st one seems keen to show off her status to the fren.. sigh ppl is a so call future dr like u. if i did that, gals normal reaction is, da gf v control over da bf. but i hav diff thoughts: y u did this? it should be a small issue, y we cant walk 2gether to ur frens and u guys start 2 do 'ur business' ?

u dunno how 2 respond over my questions .. u jus keep repeat that u din mean it, but ppl's reaction thru body language is the most natural answer given.

i am disappointed right when u dropped ur hand, i know its da moment, our distance gain further. u din intend to make me into ur life. after all the trusts and faith i given to this r/ship. u did this all of sudden. i nvr wan all these come btw the r/ship, but y this happened. mayb i am not good enuff for u i guess. a gf jus a gf, not really a gf that can tell the world. jus like how we ended, we no need 2 tell the world.

i wonder, will u still be doing this now? i don think so, coz u surely choose da 1 u wan2 be matched with. weird that i need 2 talk abt this small issue which keep play in mind.

i am celebrating 2nd anniversary single life in cmong 2 months, happy 2nd anniversary single to me,

xoxo
lynn

history part 19-DYR?

sudden recall of our moments of arguments.
there's one which i still remembered, jus like every normal couples, arguements/fights are normal. we had ours as well.

ours seems to b v scary , i mean 'fight'/'argue', my usual respond after few minutes is 'wanted to walkaway', turn around, or drop away ur hands if we were holding each others.

then here come da classic moments which i guess 99% of couples did that anbd work 100%. u will surely hold my hands tighter than usual not 2 letting me go, and i am surely will 'act like releasing my hands away from urs... and those words still going on.. till u cant fight me back anymore wif any words.. u seems to lack of words and phrases... then

u will hold my head as if im a puppy who is not obedient, putting ur lips onto mine trying to 'shut' my mouth, coz this is da only way u know right at the moment. i will 'struggle' for few seconds... but after that, i 'surrender'. coz it's something i am weak of..

seems like i really forget how long i din hav that feelings dy... knn need 2 get a man asap.

calculated define by them

today i reach my work emo climax. and i did it via email. shit... i make my boss and boss 'consult' me, i should not be 'calculated'. aih...

i am ok all these while, till las month, when i am taking over job from ppl, bcum 2 man job. and i seems can't take it anymore when da OM is crossing da line in front of my face. my las day at work b4 i 'burn out' bcuming kinda emo.

well... i know i should not be mayb in ppl's eyes. but i need 2 express it out. i can't take it this way. i am giving all my effort to be what i had promised to ppl. i din turn them down, but i din do da best of i could, coz i cant concentrate.

i just want to work and go off, but the feelings of sandwich at the place is too weird and i reach the tip point.

mayb i need high EQ. i think so. but i just want to say sorry that i make u feel disappointed.

dec mood

okay finally come to end of the year. planning something in mind, gonna start a new life after feb i guess.. hehe...

recently having this stupid mood again.. missing those not single life, i think coz its da festive seasons, all those atmosphere, da whole 'smell' making ppl wan2 hav some1 with u whenver u are, either jus a person whom can walk side by side, or just cuddling at the lonely, cool night... god... i should hav get used 2 this single life since its coming to 2nd anniverssary of the single life.

watever it is.. i hav family and frens, and i am happy with it.

we choose how we wan2 live our life, but not bcoz of whoever wan our life to be.

single banzai... hahaha

kns

2day very TL... this OM all of sudden wan2 push me eat freshly died cat... kns...
luckily i hav bunch of witness...
wuah ppl nowadays v geli... anything they can push 2 u to clean their hands off..

OM, u watch out , look when u walk, look when u drive, tripped to die baru u tau...

kns... if it's not of money, i sure kill u dy.

nvm calm down
inhale~~exhale~~ deep breathing...
i shall pampered myself nice pedicure on 1 dec...
heheh

its nov

its coming 2 the year end. should be da time for year end plan, but i act din wan2 do much special arrangements, coz i know how those feelings of disappointment if plans turnout to be single,boring seasons.

i dunno what i wan for christmas yet, maybe a nice green tea frap then go for a nice pedicure~~ hhehe i need a good pedicure now.. especially how i'd treated my legs for taking me here n there.

emm maybe plan for trip back as and pg catch up wif good old mates. yeah!!

yesterday went celeb b'day wif mummy, and we get mummy a small lil cute bag from longchamp for her..

addict to drama

recently addict to this drama My Queen 败犬女王。so many quotes that attract me. god im getting scare and worry i might ended bcum single, available career woman who have everything in life, except da man whom i can back home and wait for.

im used 2 be alone, used 2 be hang out with my old gangs, tired of matchmaking dates ppl try 2 arrange, i love my yoga, i love my family life, i kinda love my job sometimes, i seems to get into da life of being 1 person, should be ok rite??

i know da i have faith in awaiting da right person, but i worry i will just get used to my current life then dunno how 2 get along wif companion in future.

quote :

谁说单身就是败犬，胜券也有苦恼啊!

20oct

long long time i din visit my blog dy.. kinda busy month esp been posted to new site.
my job currently need me to walk around, working wif 1Msia people, work wif 90% ma lat lou, 1 man show job. it's certainly not 'feminine' or OL typical office work, but somehow a job that makes u sweat (good news for me who wan2 slim down), makes u work lively, not much paperwork, huhu good sign for me coz i alre QUIT paperwork major job.

just back from hometown yesterday, i started to miss home, miss my friends, and miss my drinking session.
planning for my next hometown trip.

remember ur pride when leaving the jerk

分手后请带走你的尊严

爱情中离离合合是平常事，所以不要以为失恋就世界末日了，生活还是继续，地球还在转动。所以分手后甚么都可以留下，除了你的尊严。

1.尊重他的决定，不要死缠烂打。

i did it~~

2.不要在他面前哭，小心他对你说“对你的眼泪，我已经有免疫力了”。

i did it as well

3.不要奢望他会再给你信息或电话，因为他会说“Why,please give me a reason”。

i keep have this OS in heart, but i know im jus being normal.

4.跟他说声谢谢，感谢他曾给你的爱和温柔。

got, coz im well educate to express my gratitude to all whom being good to me.

5.跟他说声对不起，因为自己的没用，最后还是让他选择了离开你。

haha... y so me.. i kept saying that.

6.把他写你的信，送你的礼物和他的照片好好收起，那些是美好的回忆。

well just packed and keep aside.

7.有些答应过他的承诺还是要坚守，例如不抽烟，不喝酒，病了要吃药。
din relate to me at all.

8.不要以任何理由给他打电话，把你剩下的尊严好好保留。

i swear, i did wan2 , but i wont.. i need pride..

9.他生日那天向著他所在的那片天空说生日快乐，哪怕他听不到。

got point, can try in future if i remember.. heheh

10.分手了就永远都不要再刻意的见面。

thumbs up along with toes.

分手能再做朋友固然好，现实中也不乏分手后反能成为无话不谈的好朋友的情侣。但是这不能勉强，如果不能再次成为朋友的话，请彻彻底底地离开他的世界，这样做是保全了你那剩下的自尊。

luckily i made my decision on the right time, to rescue myself from the hell life..

thank god and frens, coz i been so good now...

SLAP

i was thinking, whats da fastest way to forget? da answer is starting something new 2 replace dat part, things will grow faster than u expect, coz u r pack, with all new stuffs, no time to think or turn back.

its bad having these stupid thoughts that y y y when things happened and, we din settle it on the spot, on the time, dragging times and effort of all parties involved.

feel like wan2 slap the fella.

SLAP*SLAP*SLAP*

sign

yesterday night, i was packed with work and being emo b4 i slept. it was horrible one as its been very long time none of this been happened.

so here's the sign that i am actually having.

i saw this familiar face , da same looks, with a gal beside. they were chit chatting happily..

life goes on.. so as me and all past.

cheers~~ for today and tomorrow~~`

mana lu pigi

My beloved colleagues seems to very keen in my love life. I admit i am keen and can't hardly wait for the right man, but you know, if you're having my kind of life, the chances to get a partner, equal to zero.

you see, my typical schedule of Mondays to Sundays are :

Mondays / Wednesdays/Fridays:
7.00- 7.30 - rushing for work
8.30-5.30 - work work work
6.00-8.00 - yoga
9.00 - 11.00 - watch tv, surf web.
11.00-11.30 - sleep ZzzzZz

Tuesdays/Thursdays:
7.00 - 7.30 - rushing for work
8.30 - 5.30- kerja kerja kerja
7.00 - 11.00 - tv, online, stick on sofa all nite
11.00-11.30- Sleep Zzzzz

Saturdays/Sundays:
normally wake up at 9.00 - 11.00 am.
12.00-02.00-brunch
normally i will hang out with sis at malls/friends(coursemates, all female)/whole day at home.

so.. you see where to find dates? i don't even have all these chances...

well, i know, 25 is a sign, either i will meet the right guy within years, if in coming years, i am still single..then i am going to have a fund, a bacheloratte fund, to feed myself when elder days come.

p/s: please la, if you (my future bf) are lot, use GPS/buy a map book/google map; if you're not keen , at least give me a sign; if you never appear (which i am preparing, but i hope it's not true), can send someone to tell me?


sigh.. i just want to fall in love, is it that 'mission impossible'?

imperfect

today received a forward email from friend, a tv commercial by late Yasmin Ahmad.

it's about a funeral, the husband passed away, his wife shared about his all imperfections, which made all the people laughed, but all these also, made her remembered him well.

she says, " It is all these little imperfections, that makes them perfect for us. "

all the snorings, the tooth picking actions, the dummies actions, ... make us feel the person which doesnt suit us, but afterall, all these imperfects, make the person perfect for us..

i accept him for who he is, include all the imperfects that came together, but it's alright, coz i am searching the next imperfect person out there for me.

0725-worlds within

just now watching the drama in tv, the guy pak tor with this gal for sometimes. it's very cute at some parts, esp one scene, where they both sleeping 2gether for the very first time. the next morning, both of them try 2 act cool and 'experience' in handling the situations and conversations, but act , they were both shy to telling the feelings inside, instead just act cool and pretend as if nothing special happened.. cute seeing their expressions but which i find it very agreeable which it turn out this way in real life..

at the end of da episode, guy felt he don't know well about this gal who sit right next to her.. but he knows..

they are in love not bcoz of they knowing each other, it's because they don't know each other.

respond

i really have slow respond when come to issues involving works and jobs. today should be a good starts of the week, mana tau, i forget to watch weather forecast, din take my raincoat , 'the heavy rains + storming + lightning' all come in one shot... wow.... kill the mood on the 1st day of week..really weird.. people pregnant , dia preganant, the mood so.. 'weather' type.. all people there have to be very careful everyday..

幸福

幸福其實是一種心靈感覺。

在某一刻，心裡會被某件事物 或某句說話 觸動而感到一絲絲甜美的滿足感，那便是幸福。

每個人的感情世界就好似一道門，隨著年歲的增長，門檻愈來愈高，對幸福的要求也愈來愈高，甚至將它物質化，將追求幸福視為一件大事、一個大目標。於是，令到自己常常覺得不快樂，離幸福愈來愈遠.


i didn't set high requirements.. never . i am waiting for my happiness

moody

can u imagine dropping tears within ten seconds? i can make it.. easily.. by just thinking/mentioning/getting news from the past..
scary right? i thought so..

some says, to forget, is to restart
some says, to move on, is to let go
some says, to be happy, just an options.

By asked me, if i want to have a talk with past?
i asked myself, can i even take it?

i don't think so. it's not a good end in past, how can i face it?
i know, if i happened to meet past in real life, 1st thing comes in mind : RUN FOR MY LIFE

The best way to overcome fear is to face it. but what happen next?
i know i'm those not easily let things go person. i can't being noble, i can't pretend nothing ever happen, i can't put things aside.

i have feelings, a lot of feelings, which i know, if i know more and more, i will be curious to dig, curious to know, which resulted in sad, anger, madness.

i choose to avoid, i choose to delete, i choose to stay away, no harm to myself, it's the best actually.

i'm sorry, i'm not interested to know. i'm not keen to know anything. so don't tell me, don;t let me know. coz i choose happiness, i choose smile, i choose gay, i choose passion, i choose relaxation, i choose freedom, i choose myself.

i'm not going to stick with the person, who don't share my passion, who don't share my joy, who don't share my sadness, who don't share my problems, who runaway from me, who turns me down.

i love you.

for me - 18 months

luxury thoughts

today i went to 'luxury window shopping ' trip with my friends, milky, gal wif hubby + Tavia.



our 1st stop is Burberry. it's always my dream to get 1 branded bag, or more than that. sigh but i always be the 1st person to turn away as the bills cut off my dreams.. well i swear.. soon i will walk in to BURBERRY , get my dream IT BAG, paying in cash wif all RM50 notes.. yeah.. cash only... i will do that.



somehow, back to reality, i know when i have rm5k , i rather spend the money on my monthly expenses, my food, my ice cream, my food..



u see RM 5,000 can get you either 1 normal canvas middle size handbag, but you can get:



1. easily approximate 160 pin of baskin robbin during 31% discount, or



2. easily 160 times of fine japanese dining which u spent let say rm 30, or 100 times if you spent rm50 each time, or



3. 125 boxes of my favourite and best dark chocolate so far i tried in life-ROYCE.. yeah~~royce banzai~~



so will i buy RM5k bag.. or one of the mnetion above?? emmm
let's see...

6 July

when i'm busy with work for past two weeks, i thought i will be fine. i thought when i hanging out wif friends for past weekends, i should be happy .

somehow, da history appears again. i know i should be better, or getting better, sigh.. i recall of history.. some moments of history around.

i know it's part of my life which makes me who i am today, i can't delete it or erase as if nothing ever happened. but i try not to have all the negative thinkings or thoughts on it, and seeing it as part of memories which happened in past years.

back to some good things..

Saturday i went to Italiannies with uni friends in conjunction of the sissy friend came back from s'pore.. haha da sissy plan 2 treat us but seems like da bill was a bit too much.. so i choose 2 settle my part..

June 15

i hate having MC ... due to.... hormone changes (i think) .. i'm being emotional the night before... all of sudden.. i think of history.. n i cried non stop.... i did... it's very not-good.. i hate being this situation... i just want answers and explanations..

sometimes u know that ur life has been back to track, sometimes you just want to move forward, sometimes you hope you won't ever turn back, sometimes you just want to be yourself.

June 7

i seems to be can't recall of history's look anymore. emmm it's true, i just remembered he in specs... then a T with khakis/jeans.. the face part... errr... fair... kinda thin... the exact feature seems 2 be blur dy..



times really flies... it's been a year and half after the incidents... times really can wash up some details... i kinda like it... at least i won't keep have them in minds.



well i like life now being single.. at least i don have 2 think of how 2 cheer up some1 else. plus its hard 2 understand a new person, or being with him, learning all over again the 'skills/techtics' of being together. oh... pls dont.. i just want to enjoy life.. if possible.. let the new man come into my life years later... same time im kinda worry i might be 'lou ku poh''' hhhahaha nvm la... take it easy.



now its June dy, alre half year of 09, many things been happened around me for past 5 months. January- i were been 'informed' that history cheated on me

February- i been 2 new dept of my current company

March- life of sing k, movies, trips ..

April- same as March

May- my b'day month..

女人空窗期的快乐指南

空窗期有快乐，空窗期中也有苦恼。无论是因为什么原因单身，既然已经身处空窗期，我们也不能让空窗期成为人生的空白期。

空窗期生活必备──

独处的能力：空窗期的女人要学会独处。再好的朋友也不能每时每刻陪伴著你。要学会一个人吃饭、一个人看电影、一个人旅行……要学会给自己买花，给自己买钻戒，让自己高兴。不一定非要恋人才能令你的生活充实，一个人也能快乐。千万不要为了寂寞就隨便找个人恋爱。

健康的体魄：单身生活最怕生病，那种没人照顾的寂寞感，可以把你的乐观心情统统摧毁。每个星期花几个钟头上健身房、游泳、打球；间中到一些女人会所享受享受香熏、SPA、按摩……对自己身体的投资，是永远不会亏本的。身心健康的你，才能在空窗期里保持快乐。

知心的好友：空窗期女人一定要多储备一些知心好友。他们能陪你逛街吃饭、陪你唱歌看戏；他们能帮你度过单身时期最落寞的时刻；在你最困难的时候第一时间赶到，来温暖你。

可以寄托的爱好：跳肚皮舞、玩杀人游戏……选择一种爱好，可以让你永远保持活力。拥有一种爱好，不但改变你的生活方式，还能帮你认识志同道合的朋友。或者，下一份美丽的爱情就这样诞生呢？

爱惜自己的心情：不要因为单身就蓬头垢脸！隨时隨地把自己打扮得漂漂亮亮的，你的美丽不是为了给某个人看，你的美丽是为了自己的好心情。

adapted from :

http://www.sinchew-i.com/liveoutloud/node/4029?tid=66

当你爱了不爱你的人时

当他不爱你时，
无论过去他是否爱过后来却忘了，又或者是否是从未爱过。当你无法成为他心里的那个人时，他的心便不会记得你。虽然他知道你深爱他，但他寧可选择装作是不知道。

当他不爱你时，
请不要在你不开心，或者是遇到麻烦而彷徨的时候去打搅他。他那儿绝对不是你此刻应该的去处。也许他会在接到你的电话的时候，淡淡地安慰你几句，却也仅此而已。也许你会再想要一点什么，于是说：“我们见面吧。”而他肯定心有烦躁了。当他不爱你的时候，你的爱，你的人，就会显得廉价许多。你佔了下风，这是人的本性。他会说：“好，不过我现在有点事情。晚点的时候你再给我电话吧。或者我给你电话也可以。”而你这时千万不要当真，他只是找了个不是很高明的理由来搪塞你。请，不要真的去等，不要骗自己。

当他不爱你时，
请不要与他讲你的琐事，也许此刻，你不过是希望让彼此更熟悉一些。只是，他却无暇更是没有兴趣去瞭解你。他也很快会忘记的，就如他忘记你的生日，你的地址，你的电话一样。没有爱，于是你注定挤不进他的生命。即使，你要的哪怕只是一个很小很小的角落。

当他不爱你时，
请不要在他的面前流眼泪，不要在生病的时候告诉他。他无法给予你照顾和关心。至多是同情一下，而，请骄傲的你，不要放弃本来属于你的骄傲。虽然太多的人，在爱的面前丟失了太多。连站起来的勇气都没有。

当他不爱你的时候，
你的爱便是他的负担。请不要去计算自己的付出，不要希望有什么回报。爱著不爱自己的人，本身便是没有回报的。不要计较对与错。这样会快乐些。要记住，你与他之间的爱，是单方面的，你用心，他无心。所以，也不要怪他。因为也许他也想做好一些。对你不要那样的冷漠。知识，爱一个人，对一个人好。本来就是一种本能。对不起，他没有这样的本能。

当他不爱你的时候，
请不要失去自己的自信。因为爱一个人，並非他的优秀，而只是一种感觉。他让你有这样的感觉，于是你爱他。同样，他不爱你，也並非你不优秀。优秀，不是爱的理由。看看还有那么多爱自己的人，淡淡地微笑一下，也是异样甜美的。

当他不爱你的时候，
也一定要祝福他。有了爱，便不该有恨。爱是美好的。恨却丑陋。何必让生命中最美好的东西化作丑恶呢?也不要觉得不公平。关于离去。他失去的是一个爱他的人，而你失去了一个不爱你的人，却得到了一个重新生活，重新去爱的机会。

请不要去想到“永远”。爱没有永远。你此刻深爱，却注定遥远的某一天也不再爱他。他只是比你早一步到达了这一天。当他不爱你的时候，请轻轻拥抱一下回忆里的温暖，轻柔地凝视凋谢的温柔。

当他不再爱你的时候，
亲爱的，请你深深呼吸，一生的路上，铺满了爱的花蕾，总有那么一朵属于你，不是安慰你。而是，这是生生世世早已经注定的。

so, we should love ourselves... coz our family and frens love us though they didn't tell us

adapted from
http://www.sinchew-i.com/liveoutloud/node/3875?tid=66

guy?gal?

i always have this question btw man and woman. recently this 1 keep appears in my mind... okay for a relation , no matter bf/gf, some mayb ONS.. when comes to the issue of prevention of 'accident' as well as health concern, the responsibility of buying the cd should be by Man or Woman??


a friend of mine act did get a cd wif him 24/7, his opinion is : i can't control myself, and i don want to ruin my gf's by not prevent it from happened... i act did agree wif him, which he did think on behalf of his partner and take the initiative of taking cd wif him.. i feel impress and touch as a female, coz i see he respect a gal. Salute~~

then another 1 been asked by the partner, to actually get da cd so that they can prevent 'accident'... oh my buddha.... i know guy n gal equal.. but it seems like this guy did make things equal.. as if he need 2 keep his 'face'.. what abt gal?? or mayb i think she act okay wif that since she love him, and its for her 'sake' as well.... love is blind ..... i think so

so my question is : nowadays, how many man out there now would act still buying cd, or now already change 2 the woman being the role? emmm..... interesting one....

or act nowadays, shouldnt be an issue of who is the one buying, instead safety issue come 1st in mind.... whoever buy it, its not 2 be debate. maybe im being over react then. but i can't stan if a guy tell me, ".... u go buy cd lar... then much safer..." Fish~~~~ u r respobsible as wel, u cant buy it??? so u need da 'face'?? me???

nvm no point debate.. since its the willingness btw couple... isn't it?

as long as we love each other, there's nth 2 be debate/argue of who should be doing it. coz we cherish each other and appreciate what we had 2gether....

emo

that day, BY asked me 2 4get about past and start my new life. i think coz my dialogs seems give the impressions of still thinking of past.

i admit, history is part of my life. it bcums part of my memories , good one, just that it ended in not-so-good way. fish.,..... i actually like my life now. coz i don like being commit or attach or even need 2 report 2 people whom i wont know if he might cheat me, or maybe try 2 cover all shits in front of me. i wont let myself being in this kinda situations anymore... i hate being cheated.. i hate being no explanation of da reason of breaking up... i hate that i had to miss history... i hate that i actually have the intention to contact history in search of answers... i hate that i have so much questions... i hate that i might only have the courage to do so maybe when i am drunk... i hate that i had a good memories in things i don really like to remember...


luckily that i fnd my ways to cut all these, at least i find my peace and calm when in yoga practise, luckily i have my frens around me... luckilyi have a tough personalty... luckily i am strong when i am so depress... luckily i din have passive thinking when some people might end their life.... luckily i love myself much more than i thought.. luckily i can live without you coz i din rely on you.... i feel blessed... i did

2005

some people really like to expose...

monday i was in the yoga class as usual. this really Fish lady.... putting lotion on her body (she seems v proud) while on phone... she was naked i think b4 i saw her.. then i put on my clothes will i packed all my stuffs till i wan2 left, she was still naked bz wif da lotion... i don mind if u naked, but prob is, ur polluted my eyes.. yeah u look like as if u don have any tummy/cellulite or whatever... eh ur naked for so long... wait 2 dry izzit??? fish la... makes me wan2 vomit... I HATE YOU BEING EXPOSE AND FORCE ME TO LOOK OKAY?

keep ur so call so think hot figure to ur man, not ppl like me who hav tummy, cellulite,stretch marks... fish fish fish~~~~~

never ever

A few questions that I need to know

how you could ever hurt me so

I need to know what I've done wrong

and how long it's been going on

Was it that I never paid enough attention?

Or did I not give enough affection?

Not only will your answers keep me sane

but I'll know never to make the same mistake again

You can tell me to my face or even on the phone

You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know

Did I never treat you right?Did I always start the fight?

Either way, I'm going out of my mind

all the answers to my questionsI have to find

My head's spinning

Boy, I'm in a daze

I feel isolated

Don't wanna communicateI

'll take a shower, I will scour

I will rub

To find peace of mind

The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Vexing vocabulary runs right through me

The alphabet runs right from A to Z

Conversations, hesitations in my mind

You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy

I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, noI'm just waiting

'Cause I heard this feeling won't last that long

Never ever have I ever felt so low

When you gonna take me out of this black hole?

Never ever have I ever felt so sad

The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find

I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind

I've Never ever had my conscience to fight

The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

I'll keep searching

Deep within my soul

For all the answers

Don't wanna hurt no moreI need peace, got to feel at ease

Need to be.Free from pain - going insane

My heart aches, yeah

Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head

The alphabet runs right from A to Z

Conversations, hesitations in my mind

You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy,

I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong

I'm just waiting'

Cause I heard this feeling won't last that long

You can tell me to my face,

You can tell me on the phone,

Uh, You can write it in a letter, babe

'Cause I really need to know

1605

back from A&D movie... kinda nice but i'd act read da book b4 wacthing it... but still a worth watch.... but it's irritating coz just b4 the movie, wh queuing for the ticket collections, da AUNTIE in front seems din success in processing her purchase of tickets online wh CREATE the long queue... finally din miss any part of the movie , thanks to the Advertising wh delayed like min 15 minutes... heheh...

i like watch movie a lot, but it might effect by the situation, esp the person sitting next to you, and behind you. this time, was the guy and his partner sitting on my left side. 1st i thought they might jus whispering ... later on they were talking to each other, where da stupid partner kept ask questions, da guy kept explained explained... WTF... feel like wan2 slap them LOUD and keep their mouth shut...gosh.... calm down.... i learnt from my yoga practise... inhale .. exhale... inhale... exhale.... i did managed to calm down... coz i don wan2 ruined my RM11...

wow... facebook indeed a good media 2 spread news... just found out my fren's bro just go married... age like maybe 20?22? ....

back to myself, my frens seems start to worry about me i guess... all surrounded by the point of intro guys for me, even my own family... err... i just started to enjoy my life... can i rest?? concentrate in my life? it's very tiring after the past years... very very tiring i mean it.



WE ARE MORTAL UNTIL THE FIRST KISS AND SECOND GLASS OF WINE-- Eduardo Galeano

confession

these days surrounded by good things...

1. for sometimes dy, i finally get a good mood in my working environment.. its v diff but i like da things i can learn, da nice colleagues.. =) thanks guys

2. yesterday da Isetan sales , i went jus for short while coz i know, da longer i stay, da worst things is coming await. finally i just manage 2 control myself to get only a pair shoes... less than RM40, so no worries to my budget.. i act v worries about my sickness.. i keep buying shoes, non-stop when i see them.. i try 2 control and i hope i can really cut down my shopping behavious coz my shoe cabinets alre full....

3. lastly.. my bestest buddy soon will attached wif her beloved.. feel so great seeing people i love find thier happiness and decided to move on with the next chapter of life, holding hands with person they love for the rest of their life... Shi a wase ne....

i still recalled of some past memories, but u know what, its all with happy smily faces not emotional crying faces , so no worries yea~~

life goes on~~~
yeah 2nite will going for Angels And Demons wif my 'kaki' movie...

Letter for you- i

Dear You,

i felt like want to contact you, but not having the guts to call, sms..... so here i am... writing this letter for you, since the seperation sometimes back.

i kept thinking what if things been solved? then i wont keep think IF IF IF in mind.. this is not what i always want of being uncertain about things in life.

u always say:
i din think on ur side
i kept make u being 'luxury' life
i din helped on ur probs
i'm being bad tempered
i'm being selfish
i'm being inconsiderate
i'm being playful
i din fulfill ur wish
i din put on make-up
i din wear what the other gals wear
i kept wearing jeans

BUT, u know what

i cooked a full set meal (dishes + soup) JUST FOR YOU 1st time in my life

i tried on make-up 1st time in my life JUST FOR YOU...(which i am still exploring)

i learnt and drove all da way to KLIA just to fetch u, so tat u no need 2 take the long hour bus trip...plus, i just learnt klang valley roads like few months... plus its night.....

i tried to mix wif ppl around u, ur family, ur frens... i went trip wif ur frens which i don even know who they are... but u giv me black face wh i brouhgt u met up wif my gang...

i cant being wif u there...but i listened to ur troubles and probs daily.... pushing myself so hard to solve for you..

i gave my time 24/7 for you,whenever you're around...

i swear that i din outing/dating/seeking any guy at all...

i'm being myself all these while, but i know slight changes might be a good way, y not i giv it a try rite? but seems like i lost myself.. i juggle btw whom u want me to be and being who i am.

i know tolerate is what i lack of, i accept you as the person when i knew you, why things being changed??or i changed?

080509

i'm 25 yr old officially soon. Friends attached, married, give birth etc....
then i started to think again... shit.. i feel like life just started ... some alre moving to next stage. i can't take good care of myself, how should i take care of others?

some people tend to be have chances of getting new people in life easily. i know i am not, due to my lazyness. yeah its true. i am not taking any initiative to know new people. i spend my time front of TV, PC, books, sleep, dreaming, meet up friends... maybe this is what people call the best time in life to enjoy... and so, i booked ticket to TW next year. though i yet 2 work out my budget for the trip, but it gives me motivation when i was tired in work, when i was lost... keep me going on...

i hope people around me find their path in life, find their happiness, find their way to stay happy everyday...

i wish i can earn as much as i spend.. hahaha da rest just stay healthy n happy
=)

SPBT

wa lao eh... i should be working during these hours being a so call OL... but seems like i become my mom's PA when she cant use the PC as she wish... she was a bad tempered(i am exactly like her) and she cant stan of waiting the antique PC to 'run the slow-motion' way... my hp kept rang like non-stop hearing her mumbling, complaining ... so? i also lost my temper... i am not there 2 help her 2 settle it coz i am IT-idiot who try to lead a blind in dark.. so u can imagine the disaster happening ... worse of all, i try 2 get da PC owner help out n da stupid hp of this ppl (wh i SWEAR I WANT TO THROW INTO TOILET BOWL AND FLUSH IT SO I WONT HAVE 2 SEE IT ANYMORE) never pick up call/hp low batt.... wah... dont try 2 test my patience i tell u....



so , do u still think i am a bad person? if i am housewife, or stay home doing my own stuffs i am sure running to help. prob is i am working as well... pls.... pls... i think i can't live/stay wif ppl who being same temper as mine...

history part 18

2day being so FRee.... check on my mailbox... found a file under the name "MY ANATA"





shit... heart beat keep dumping..i know... i will be 'reading something i had been untouched for year..'





haih..... those words are so meant back to those days.... da sweet years, da good years, da years when passions grew so well. i came across 1, i wondered if u remembered...





da gal lied on ur shoulder in da bus.... i really pissed off... coz she is da 1 who likes u.... prob is u din stop her... let her lied till she woke up... wat the Fish .... i wonder if it's me... either i lied on someone else's shoulder, or someone else lied on my shoulder... are you that cool? calm? steady?? i kept wondered.....





i should have deleted...all those mails we had b4... then it shall be time 2 called off..this rotten rship


all those intimate calls, intimate moments... shit.... its like movies, or i shall say it's like b4 people dead, da few moments b4 closed the eyes... all those memories flashed one by one like movies...

soemtimes i been trying so hard intend 2 get over what we had thru... but ur part of memories i had in life... mayb this is my 1st love.. my 1st rship and i put in a lot wh i din expect.... it seems hard 2 totally 4get abt u... but i know... no matter how... ur always be part of my life...

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly'
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of your indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And i won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again'
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no, no

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oh
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

recently addict to this song by MC ... but i love the version by DC... da lyrics so mean... hahah i wonder if i thinking too much... for being too positive sometimes... but at least i have faith in myself that i will fall in love again....

history part 17

love is really blind... make me blind... watever things u did.. watever i did.... really out of my expectations.. i did get mad wh u din do my way/wish.. i did easily 4giving wh i mad like... less than 24 hours... but i did have my bad habit.. bad tempered... wh as u said.. not much ppl can really take it... tat's da main reason y u left.. i did think so..

now is april... mayb ur bz apply for ur posting or u'd sitting for ur exam or u alre getting reply on wh u shall be serving.... i wonder... will we see each other again? will we talk again?? will i speechless? will i being frenly wh i see u? or will i slap u? hahaha i keep think of da things might happen, n the possibilities of this to be happened..

2day went to bridal shop getting some stuffs... da gal same age as me.. trying on her wedding gown... "wow... i'm almost 25... people r getting married... settling down... me?? hahah really funny... not even getting over past, not even have a partner...."

last time i used to think, we will move to this stage... now.. getting a partner is mission impossible.. getting married................ next life maybe.....

i don have faith anymore frankly speaking... coz it's hard to really know someone... getting used to live with someone from zero... decide to be with someone for another 20,30,40 years.... plus.... i don wan2 risk my time 'invest' in a relation which might end up like history... i don have that much of 47 months... i don have that faith to love someone and not to thinking da person shall be loyal,faithful.... i tell myself.. if i get a new partner(if i can find a new partner ), i wont wan2 be wif him for more than 2 years.... if i din see da future , i shall call it quit, or move on with some1 else.... but those just a positive thinking that, i manage 2 find so many ppl who really suits me....

hate when come to think i'm 25, no $$, no partner.... life just so shit... but i earn myself, settle my bill.... some frens can hav a partner, still thinking of another person hoping to get an chance to be wif... or a new relation... as if riding a car, looking for a new porsche... hahha

sometimes kinda worry, that i will be desperate that, once i meet a new partner who have da potential to be my companion, i just go and become someone's wife... within a year time... which kinda alot of examples around me.... scary... mostly is meet wif 'accident' then rush for the process of being mr & mrs...

u know... i now getting myself into stuffs u like me to do las time... a lot.... esp my look.... shit... must not let u know....

i wish... i can find my happiness... a.s.a.p..... lack of patience....

history part 16

seems like my progress of getting over u is not working... but at least my emotions are being controlled... i really need 2 get a new companion .... but i wont simply go n find as if shopping... haih... da rite man... where have u been?

ppl keep say as if i hav lots of dates, seeing guys... prob is... everyday also stay home watch tv, writting blog, onlie... stay home do nth... once while only some outing... ai... lonely but no1 knows....

its good wh think from other side that, i get da chance (comforting myself) live single life... but seems like... i started 2 feel bored dy... not soon sis might left, i will be alone staying here.... shit sure v hard 2 get thru days n nights.

"愛情是一種力量,一種願意讓對方為自己改變的力量。愛情的經營是靠兩個人的互相融合,遷就。沒有人天生就是完美的" --- last time i think all these are craps.. now feel like it really spell my mind...

i wonder what ur doing now? where are u? hows ur life? so envy tat u find ur new partner... haih y i still stuck in past... y i yet 2 find my right man...

i kept remembered... i kept pushing myself forward... i kept recall... i kept thinking....

tired... jus wan2 rest ... until i am ready again

history part 15

i recalled that, we act di hav so much momories though we met like 2-3 months once... which u stayed for short time like a week or two...

see... places we been b4 are: as itself alre a few.. like ap,gk, pg, ri,kk, ... kinda alot for students who din earn $$ yet... then we been had activities like... movies, swimming, diving somemore.. though i joined solely for u... hahaha then wat else... kinda a lot i think... i like our 1st trip to ri, my 1st trip i went wif u along wi ur frens... none of them i really know well but i knew it's wat u always wan2 to had... i think i had a good times there wif u n ur frens ... i think in mixing wif ur frens. i performed kinda well.. hahah praising myself... at least i wont isolated myself front of u and them rite?

oh ya then there's 1 trip , sort of a road trip back 2 as wif ur family... gosh,,, super scary i ever had... coz wif ur mom... i think i'm being so ... weird... unease coz i'm act sitting next 2 u... then ur mom was behind... i really dunno wat 2 say... how 2 hav a good conversations wif her.... but i tink later on wh went 2 ur house i did ok also lar... having meals wif them... hahah i washed plates for all da dish ler... i rarely did at my home k.... ur so lucky .....it's normal that gal wan2 show her 'good side' front of thier partner' famly n frens... 2 giv him da face cukup cukup.... but i did being v harshed once front of ur family... wh i really really sorry... gosh... i hurt u so much tat time.. sorry

sometimes i wish i follow wat ur wishes tat time... but its kinda hard as i still wan2 be myself... mayb we're being not matured enough or we r young .... life's like this mayb... then only we know what really we wan2 look for...



P/S: i had so much momories wif u... thanks for everything u brought to my life... sorry i din being perfect as u wish

history part 14

i dreamt of us yesterday.. and we argued... haih... ur facial expressions were da same...excatly the 1 i'm so familiar with... really wtf tat i din see u for almost a year.. but i still remembered well...



i don hve any news from u... i deleted u from my contacts.. all contatcs... i can't face u... afterall.. u din come 2 me intend 2 solve our issues... but i know i'm going thru it kinda well..



myb i should think from ur side, if i'm in ur shoes.. what would i do? but i can't coz i cant imagine that i would leave u alone , left u without talked to u.... i can't resists ur eyes... ur sadness... that's my weakness.... anyway it's over ... alre a yr plus... u go after ur dreams... i am in my life... my ordinary life...



i did hang out wif frens... and i did try my best 'observing' guys , single guys frens around... haih...i don't know why... i just wan2 get some1 who can share my life... it seems too hard for me... i don't know y... maybe da real 1 yet 2 appear or still on his way.... hahahah caught in some traffic jam, some wrong persons... b4 he can reach.... i did think so...



then i recall again 2 stupid history ... u said u start date few months after our seperation... i was like... how could u ar?? i mean how can i learn from u? 2 4get u then being close wif some1 i don even know tat wel... trying 2 LOVE him??? maybe it's easy for some people... or most people... it seems 2 be da hardest part i could ever done



i think i'm being stupid, or naive or maybe too loyal... i'm just v weird ... i wan2 move on... but i wan2 enjoy my life yet i do hope i can find guy who loved me... at least he wont being irrresponsible... da 1 i can live for da rest of my life... i'm not tat hardworking ppl in relations... once i find da 1, i wont wan2 change ....

history part 13

i kept remembered u these days... our history... gosh... sometimes i think, y cant we settle it? solve it? is it i'm being harsh? or i should be agreed wif wat decisions u'd made then, to jus KIV our probs back in yr ago... and u just pop out sudden half yr later, as if u wan2 SOLVe it...



i kept thinking, y i cant get u 2 talk 2 me that time? y i failed to get u 2 talk to me? y u can jus left without saying anything 2 me? u really had nth 2 tell me?? back in times when things happened?? or izzit true wh ppl told me that... u might act been cheated on me?? if so, then it might be da best answer 2 fill in the blanks y u left in sudden, without a word...



i presume, it stopped that time, though u din spell ur mind, i did my part n i had no regrets. coz i tried, i hav no regrets then.



i wondered, y u wan2 came out after it happened like half yr later, after i'd been thru all da ups and downs of alone.... u know i really felt i am useless, coz i always wan2 be my self, not da tough face u see, but till da end, i am still da tough character u seen, is there any guy can left da person they love(i think u did, i hope its not cheated), no goodbyes, no words, jus ask her 2 blah...



i kept hav all da words u told me: jus go, i don wan2 talk 2 u, i don wan2 see u, we are over, i cant stan these,...... it's not like u wan me 2 announce it to the world....



so i took all of them wif me.... packed all my feelings... i went 2 a place far far away so u wont ever see me again.... i started my life over again... i face my feelings, i live in miserable life... i am normal during normal times... bad times approached wh i'm alone.... i cried so much at nites... i hate nights so much.... i hate driving coz i will be crying as well, as soon as i'm in the car, musics on, tears started 2 dropped, i hate jams, coz tears are unstoppable, i don care what ppl in the next car think of if they saw me... i hate being alone... i hate that.... i hate wh i see my phone... i jus tried so hard 2 left it all over places... i don wan2 see it, coz i know, i will try 2 contact u... i hate myself so much for da months... useless indeed.



half yr later, u approached me, i dunno how 2 say no, coz i am useless, once again i hurt mysef... putting my mind in tat horrible times...



again... i'm killing myself n my decisions for 2nd time.... i had no guts 2 rejected u....



again.... i seems2 be getting over it.... when times are filled wif other much important issues....

u came again... i giv u ONE BIG SHOOT, n u never come back...



i know i am doing this, 2 help myself getting over this... i cant follow ur flows anymore... i hav my own life to live.... i have my life wh alre back 2 track... to me, there's no turning back, coz i dont see da benefit of doing so... i don need anything now... i don need explaination... now a yr after things happened... i solve things on the spot, not after that, not after ur free for me, not after u tired wif others n u sudden recall of me.... i am me... i am loyal to my love... wh i dont deserve people who cheated on me, and dont even hav da guts to talk 2 me.... i don need a person who runaway from problems to love me....



i am tough , indeed tough than u expect i am. i can cry on my own shoulder, i solve it myself, i move forward, don come to say sorry , wh u realise that u ACTUALLY HURT me b4..... i am not anyone... bear in mind... thanks to u... i am so tougher than i expected....



i always wan2 be dependent gal, wh needs some1 to protect me... but seems that i am too independent, that even this hard time, i get thru myself... no words of apology, no explanation, no discussion, no conversations.... but i get thru it thru support from my frens, family n myself...



luckily, i am not that useless afterall, i din say congrats on ur new partner, i jus be myself not giving respond... i knew if i am useless, i will never ever woke up from my dreams...



when u were gone, all questions marks seems 2 be pop here n there... i cant find or get any answares from anyone,anywhere,anything...



but when all da blanks fill in wif 1 word.... all questios, wonders are answered... cheated



yea best answer of all times... all questions are answered... gosh.... thus no further words shall conclude all my wonders...



i know, i deserve some better than this, some1 who at least hav guts, or courage and honest to their feelings...



p/s:

no pain no gain. its sad wh things ended in tragic, mayb i am too young to handle all these, or i am innocent/naive to think that its no big deal or probs in the relation...

i deleted u from my life

i don wan2 know anything more from u, i really don wan2 see u... coz i dunno if i will slap/kick ur ass/runaway/ from u.... or i will just run run run not turning back



i jus wan2 live my life.... without u anymore...



i am not perfect, i'm just being myself... dont change me... just take it or leave it....

history part 12

when i falled in love, it seems to be the best thing ever happened in life... i woke up in smile...

met him ... hanging, dating, driving around town, eatin, movie-ing, hang out at my place/his place, sitting next 2 him watching him play games... till i fall asleep, life can be so simple... yet happiness filled my ... overflow....

i like rainy days... coz i will get the chance.. taking umbrella.. standing close 2 him... walking in rain... smell the rain.. feel da cool air... holding each others hands... this is what i called happiness

to me, i want to remember the best moments in my history... bad momories let it gone with the wind...

p/s:
without u, i live in memories of & with u.. memories mayb be our fights and arguements mostly... but i remembered u in a smily face... ...... -Boys Before Flowers

history part 11

i remembered well... month after we started... it's a month of our STPM result... i did as what i'm expected... ai i'm just not science student who just rely on my only confident paper PA to help me out... but act i almost failed the paper as i drew a wrong chart in that paper... ppl say that will make me failed... luckily get an A-.... hahhaa not bad afterall...



guess what... he get straight As... i am speechless... not that i looked down on him... i just didn't expect he to be this EXCELLENT... gosh... i undertsand y ppl can get so jealous wh tis guys hav all da package:look, study luck...



sudden, i felt i'm so small... i felt so small.. i felt i am so poor... as if i didn't suit this excellent sun-shine guy front of me....



we met up.... i cried front of him.... so shameful.... =(

i looked at him.... i cried as if it's end of the world.... (drama queen)

my body moved towards him... we hugged... for the 1st time....



p/s: i can't recall when we hug for the 1st time, it's act reminded by him after we started few yrs later... he remembered the most... and i kept in my mind...



my sun-shine smile...

6th-7th April

i'm now been into my life. life fills with work, yoga, friends...



sometimes i am so emotion, thinking of past, recall of past... then i'm stuck into the mood of history... then i cried... which i didn't move forward... i cried in my car... back to those days



but sometimes... i am so happy.. i'm in mood... i can sing along loud in my car...



so i try not to going back.. i read novel.. heheh currently reading 'Angels and Demons'..

i make my schedule full.. i finished my classes late. i try 2 fill times wif frens...



sometimes i wonder.. how to define when i'm over past?

7th April

today been kinda pack wif jobs. feel times fill my life meaningful... but jus now wh way back in car.. i started talking to myself... abt history... i know that i need an explanation.. sort of reasons, answers ... y all these happened... but can i handle it? what i expect after knowing all? can i handle them?? i don't think so... i hope i won't know but will i over it? i kept asking myself...

Love can be simple, yet complicated

history part 10

we started... sometimes i think it's kinda fast coz we just knew each other around 3 months. but i knew, i like this guy... a lot....





not soon after that, we had our 1st valentines's day 2gether. we din celeb but i remember well, i gave him a key chain, my 1st present for him....


his present for me it's a anklet. way back b4 we were couple. that was a gift from him on his trip to pg back then. my fren told me, anklet means he wanted to tie your leg, so you won't go far away from him.... =) i'm touched.... i keep wearing anklet till now, though it's not from him. i don't know why, but i love having something 'tie' on my leg....

falling in love is always sweet, esp it's the very starting moments. everything seems so sweet, happy, every lil things can make u smile... easily smile from ur heart. times seems 2 stop when being with him.

i remembered the most, it's our 1st trip 2 pg after started. our most memorable walk along the beach side of GD. i;m wering this heels and we walked from starting point till the end... my legs killing me but i din realised much, mayb the feelings of happiness had flooded me ... =)

i like da feelings of holding someone's hands....hands of guy i like a lot...
i like da feelings of talking to u... coz ur so smart....
i like look into ur eyes... coz i see me inside ur big eyes......
i like standing beside u... coz u had this nice smell...
i like seeing u smile... coz it melted my heart...
finally i found u... da guy with charming sunshine smile i'd been looking for.....


p/s: i missed ur smile a lot...
it reminded me of what i had before....
sun-shine smile =)

history part 9

as usual i said hi. then his car started to move..



he spell it out. the phrases which never cross my mind for the past few months nor today. i'm surprised and shocked. i was quiet for almost few minutes. i want to say yes, but i thought we had this talked before, why still we want to risk?



"can we jus try 1st?" i suggested. at least if we won't hurt that much if it's not officially couple.

"no. either yes or no" he sounded 'threaten".



i remain silence... i really don't know if this will be good or bad. but if we never try, we never know. i looked at him, he was driving. i like this guy, a lot ...



"okay." he held my right hand. coz i'm on the left seat. he started to hold my hand when he spelled it.

i'm in love, for the 1st time in my life.

i remembered the night till now... it's very simple with feelings within...
i'm touched.

it's February 10 2004.


Love can be so simple yet so complicated.....

history part 8

i felt unease. we are friends. (that's what i think) friends should be friends as in normal way. why mummy had to see him? why he had to come in to say hi? why he agreed to come into my house meeting mummy? my friends did say hi when they came, but i think this is a bit more than normal friends...

i decided that i want to start decrease the days of catch up outing wit him. well, you might say i'm stupid, but he did mentioned, now it's not the right timing, and i agree. few months later, we shall go to diff places which we yet to know. i don't want to 'addict' into this friend. and i didn't expect for anything more. so i made my mind, i am going to say no for today's outing.

it's february 10 2004.

he SMSed as usual for a drink. i said no, giving lame excuses of family dinner. but actually dinner was at 7pm instead of 10 plus at night which normal time we hang out. he sensed it i think. he said just for a while. i pushed it to family dinner.

he called (which he didn't do that often). i said busy for dinner with family. "it just a while. i need to talk to you. i come by later." he hung up. i didn't have the chance to spell a word..

"i'd reached." i almost forgotten trying to forget about tonight. "give me a minute" i grabbed keys that's what i manage to take and wearing the my sleeping suites (tee n shorts). i didn't think twice of rejecting him. and there was me, inside his cute lil car...

history part 7

then tat day we were planning for a movie... so i put on my tops wif skirts and heels... 1st time in my life that i'm wearing all these wif frens... then mummy started 2 felt weird, why the daughter kept out at nights, she's wearing something diff some more...

'hey ask your friend come in say hi'

'huh... why, i need to go dy'

'say hi only, very fast one lar'

'errr.... i try lar'

''err... my mom's inside, she want you to come and say hi'

'oh... okay', so he met my mom... and we were friends that time...... weird right?

inside his cute lil car, i felt weird... nevermind, i still want to watch movie...

gosh... we didn't make it as the time alre past... aiks~~~ i think it's my mom then made us can't catch up for the movie....

back at home, he sms me.

'i'm sorry... we didn't managed to watch the movie... sorry coz your wearing so nice n pretty ( if i'm not forgotton) and we didn't make it....

it's all because of mummy lar.... i didn't watch the movie...

but it's mummy, that i get his compliments....

heheh.... it's a sweet night....

smile into sleep

history part 6

February 2004.... it's Chinese New Year....

he's not local thus we were not seeing each other during the festive seasons. our 1st 'separated' after being 'close friends' for months. i missed him when he's not around coz we met almost 24/7. but we still kept our contact of SMS each other, calls not often but i personally prefer sms .... maybe i don't want to let him 'know' my feelings from my voice... so we sms... and those 'intimate words' started to spell out... '..... i don't like here... v boring... i hope your by my side now'................

i kept read it again and again.... the very old model of hp's buttons almost damaged after my non stop of repeating 'exercise'. i knew, i like this person, but i won't tell him. i need to think what i want for myself.... no matter how, i won't take the 1st step....

the super long days of 'seperated' ( i think it's just like 3 to 4 days afterall) seems to 'challenge' my feelings to him. then we straight away catch up the day he backed....

i remembered well the place, coz i met 3 people sitting few tables away... hahhha
then we continue usual 'schedule' of chit chat and what happened when we both not for each other.... i took his classic hp ( this was v stylish hp back in those day... nokia 3310 if not mistaken) started to play with it. i realised, when i felt shy , i have this habit of browsing people's hp, as if want to see what they had inside.

and i was there, MENU==>Messages==>inbox==> fong lynn
fong lynn
fong lynn
.......
i saw my name on the screen, not one not two... but all the messages in inbox (those days inbox only can kept up to 10 messages only )... it's all my correspondances with him.... something has really going on btw us.... just that we won't want to bring it out....

i smiled... inside my heart.... i felt happy ....i did.... =)

then we left the place.. walking back to his cute lil car.... i remembered, we past by the alley... it;s kinda dark... all of a sudden, i saw the thing i feared the most until now... MICE... and i just scream.... not really loud, but something like 'ARRrrrrr'.... my body just noturally moved aside avoid seeing it, and shit... i accidentally 'touched' him for the 1st time.... i was so embarassing....what am i doing....

but no worries, i'm a good actress of hiding and keep myself back 2 calmness..

so we end our 1st outing after 'long seperation'.....
i explore new things...
i knew my feelings...
we didn't spell out.....
but i knew
he has special place in my current life...

i like night time...
and it's february 04

history part 5

things started to grow after the 1st outing to Nino's house. we sms, chat, hang out, friends interactions...



one day he mentioned he was going to work since instead of doing nothing at home. he said 'when i get my first pay, i shall treat you for a meal'. and there we were, at the place which i like the most of the food they served... HTK.. my favourite spot in as. it's an outdoor place, i don't think nowadays gals would actually go for outing in such place., but i still love it, mayb it's him i think....



so same cute lil car, same casual look of me wif home wear, he was in his same look wif shirt n knee length pants. our 1st meal together at this crowded HTK. then out of sudden b4 we get a seat, some1 called my name... a fren of mine or act its whole gang of friends which not so close but saying hi.... i felt bit weird actually, though nothing really happened..



so we get our food, having our 1st meal 2gether.... he treated me as promised... n i started to love the place much more than i used to...





it was January 2004....





we continue our outing, the time was night after his work, and mostly places like htk, or mamak stalls or mayb we just sat and have our talk... i don;t really mind anywhere... coz i knew.. that i started to seeing this person 24/7, and i think i had thoughts of crossing the friends border....





we did talked about the deeper friends' border, but i remember once he said 'times not right yet for me to get in relation as now i don;t know where will i go'.. i never ask and i never think further after that....



and it was January 04...



i like night time .... coz i can see you and we have a good talk of what we both experience during the day...

history part 4

so it is the day... sometimes in end of dec 2003 or might be early jan of 2004. he came as promised. he did knew where i'm staying coz my neighbour was a friend of his.. sometimes i wish the world is bigger, so when things become history, it won't keep remind you what you had been through

my attire was very typical casual wear, big size shirt + shorts knee length. i did asked myself b4 i went in the car, will he kidnapped me? hahhaa the next second, i'm inside his cute lil car and i might be kidnapped....

the journey to Nino's house around 40 minutes, but to me it's kinda like less than 40 minutes... we chat a lot, talked about things happened in life, tuition last time, school, people we knew...

finally, we reached. Nino said 'something happened btw two of u'. i kept thinking, not really it's just friends who visit friends, nothing more nothing less.....

then we were on our way back and sent me back, then my phone rang... my mom asked me fetched my bro from tuition.... so we were talked again in his car... the trip makes me feel kinda good that i finally get a friend who was outside from my circle of secondary schoolmates...

it's a rainy day if i'm not mistaken...
and i like rainy days....

history part 3

STPM for 2003 ended sometimes in December. It's just like ended some miserable dreams in life for a 19 year old gal. Life just started to be the way it should...

so my life after stpm is all about hanging out wif frens, yam cha, life of ICQ, sms relax... cool life ... missed it now..

then it started when i asked him (i take initiative) that we went to visit Nino. da main reason if i'm not forgotten was Nino came back from trip and he did mention he want to go... so i asked him along, but guess wat.. he offered to fetch me. that was 1st time in my life, that i was invited taking a stranger's car which just 2 of us. so u can guess how naive n pure innocent gal i am back then.

so i was waiting for the day he came fetch me... hehe....

history part 2

the story began in 2003. we actually from different circle of frens, but attending da same tuition class (typical puppy love). we act aattend the same tuition starting in 2000. i knew his appearence when i was attending form 6 tuition class in 2003. he is this type of guy which u will keep ur eyes on him, sort of like da 'glamour look' guy. but din cross my mind 2 know him coz a fren of mine, Nino, we were v keen of this guy call 'ah wong'.

this Ah Wong was a charming one.. hahah he have this look which is very sweet, yet charming. then Nino act did manage 2 get his Hp no ~~~ but she did get me , my ex partner's article.. hahah article which he wrote for school magazine. he is a good one, da article surprised me coz i never seen any1 who wrote about angels, i mean some kind of angels like gals always dreamt of .. its a cute one, which makes him a little impression in my heart.

Nino knew him b4 i did. i am jus like a side ppl seeing nino interacting with him n his gang once while. later on, Nino get me his ICQ.. i start 2 feel like... oh no way... i hav 2 approach guy? but its ok ... it's just ICQ ... not really phone no. so i added him. we started in funny way. coz i left msg for him wh i get a replied he kept repeating his name in CAP.. i was like... is this guy crazy? stress??

later on we started 2 chat then. but its act almost our time of face the STPM. so we started into the trend where all people has their hp. i got mine as well and we SMSing then.

later on we finished with our STPM... oh the hardest and last exam in life. story began for chapter 2.....

history part 1

It's been quite a tough year for me in 2008. i ended my 47 months of relation. And i really never expect it to be that deep prints in my life. b4 the 47 months, i keep have in mind that, my relation will be short, simple, memorable, puppy love type of way.

and now, its ended. it's so different from wat i have in mind b4 this. it seems to be it's the longest marathon that i joined which i was kicked out in a sudden. it is unpredictable. yet, i accpeted it when times flies, wh life fill wif family, friends, job,moving to new house, taking up yoga classes, etc.

the relation started in cute way, but few months later, the relation changed 2 distance relation. it really changes lots of things in life. i went into uni, i maintain my relation via phone. we met once in 2 to 3 months. when people tell me, or books read 'distance relation never work out'. i was like... how could? my relation is distance, but i am doing good, even better wif my partner.

we met once in few months. i can feel what is 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. it was so true afterall. i missed him a lot, and i felt glad i had him 'beside' me all da time. he can concentrate on his study, i can study (which i don) as well. i get 2 know frens, enjoy uni life. at the same time, i had him, with me. =)

laziness

i am never a fan of blog. i don like to express myself, instead prefer to read people's blogs. but seems to be that i had make myself into this expressing world. i plan to write my blog, not 2 telling everyone what i been through, but... i feel v unease when i keep many feelings to myself.. i dunno if i know you well, but those who have the chances 2 read the NAKED me... i hope i wont make you feel anything. i jus wan2 SHOUT