history part 18

2day being so FRee.... check on my mailbox... found a file under the name "MY ANATA"





shit... heart beat keep dumping..i know... i will be 'reading something i had been untouched for year..'





haih..... those words are so meant back to those days.... da sweet years, da good years, da years when passions grew so well. i came across 1, i wondered if u remembered...





da gal lied on ur shoulder in da bus.... i really pissed off... coz she is da 1 who likes u.... prob is u din stop her... let her lied till she woke up... wat the Fish .... i wonder if it's me... either i lied on someone else's shoulder, or someone else lied on my shoulder... are you that cool? calm? steady?? i kept wondered.....





i should have deleted...all those mails we had b4... then it shall be time 2 called off..this rotten rship


all those intimate calls, intimate moments... shit.... its like movies, or i shall say it's like b4 people dead, da few moments b4 closed the eyes... all those memories flashed one by one like movies...

soemtimes i been trying so hard intend 2 get over what we had thru... but ur part of memories i had in life... mayb this is my 1st love.. my 1st rship and i put in a lot wh i din expect.... it seems hard 2 totally 4get abt u... but i know... no matter how... ur always be part of my life...

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly'
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of your indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And i won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again'
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no, no

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oh
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

recently addict to this song by MC ... but i love the version by DC... da lyrics so mean... hahah i wonder if i thinking too much... for being too positive sometimes... but at least i have faith in myself that i will fall in love again....

history part 17

love is really blind... make me blind... watever things u did.. watever i did.... really out of my expectations.. i did get mad wh u din do my way/wish.. i did easily 4giving wh i mad like... less than 24 hours... but i did have my bad habit.. bad tempered... wh as u said.. not much ppl can really take it... tat's da main reason y u left.. i did think so..

now is april... mayb ur bz apply for ur posting or u'd sitting for ur exam or u alre getting reply on wh u shall be serving.... i wonder... will we see each other again? will we talk again?? will i speechless? will i being frenly wh i see u? or will i slap u? hahaha i keep think of da things might happen, n the possibilities of this to be happened..

2day went to bridal shop getting some stuffs... da gal same age as me.. trying on her wedding gown... "wow... i'm almost 25... people r getting married... settling down... me?? hahah really funny... not even getting over past, not even have a partner...."

last time i used to think, we will move to this stage... now.. getting a partner is mission impossible.. getting married................ next life maybe.....

i don have faith anymore frankly speaking... coz it's hard to really know someone... getting used to live with someone from zero... decide to be with someone for another 20,30,40 years.... plus.... i don wan2 risk my time 'invest' in a relation which might end up like history... i don have that much of 47 months... i don have that faith to love someone and not to thinking da person shall be loyal,faithful.... i tell myself.. if i get a new partner(if i can find a new partner ), i wont wan2 be wif him for more than 2 years.... if i din see da future , i shall call it quit, or move on with some1 else.... but those just a positive thinking that, i manage 2 find so many ppl who really suits me....

hate when come to think i'm 25, no $$, no partner.... life just so shit... but i earn myself, settle my bill.... some frens can hav a partner, still thinking of another person hoping to get an chance to be wif... or a new relation... as if riding a car, looking for a new porsche... hahha

sometimes kinda worry, that i will be desperate that, once i meet a new partner who have da potential to be my companion, i just go and become someone's wife... within a year time... which kinda alot of examples around me.... scary... mostly is meet wif 'accident' then rush for the process of being mr & mrs...

u know... i now getting myself into stuffs u like me to do las time... a lot.... esp my look.... shit... must not let u know....

i wish... i can find my happiness... a.s.a.p..... lack of patience....

history part 16

seems like my progress of getting over u is not working... but at least my emotions are being controlled... i really need 2 get a new companion .... but i wont simply go n find as if shopping... haih... da rite man... where have u been?

ppl keep say as if i hav lots of dates, seeing guys... prob is... everyday also stay home watch tv, writting blog, onlie... stay home do nth... once while only some outing... ai... lonely but no1 knows....

its good wh think from other side that, i get da chance (comforting myself) live single life... but seems like... i started 2 feel bored dy... not soon sis might left, i will be alone staying here.... shit sure v hard 2 get thru days n nights.

"愛情是一種力量,一種願意讓對方為自己改變的力量。愛情的經營是靠兩個人的互相融合,遷就。沒有人天生就是完美的" --- last time i think all these are craps.. now feel like it really spell my mind...

i wonder what ur doing now? where are u? hows ur life? so envy tat u find ur new partner... haih y i still stuck in past... y i yet 2 find my right man...

i kept remembered... i kept pushing myself forward... i kept recall... i kept thinking....

tired... jus wan2 rest ... until i am ready again

history part 15

i recalled that, we act di hav so much momories though we met like 2-3 months once... which u stayed for short time like a week or two...

see... places we been b4 are: as itself alre a few.. like ap,gk, pg, ri,kk, ... kinda alot for students who din earn $$ yet... then we been had activities like... movies, swimming, diving somemore.. though i joined solely for u... hahaha then wat else... kinda a lot i think... i like our 1st trip to ri, my 1st trip i went wif u along wi ur frens... none of them i really know well but i knew it's wat u always wan2 to had... i think i had a good times there wif u n ur frens ... i think in mixing wif ur frens. i performed kinda well.. hahah praising myself... at least i wont isolated myself front of u and them rite?

oh ya then there's 1 trip , sort of a road trip back 2 as wif ur family... gosh,,, super scary i ever had... coz wif ur mom... i think i'm being so ... weird... unease coz i'm act sitting next 2 u... then ur mom was behind... i really dunno wat 2 say... how 2 hav a good conversations wif her.... but i tink later on wh went 2 ur house i did ok also lar... having meals wif them... hahah i washed plates for all da dish ler... i rarely did at my home k.... ur so lucky .....it's normal that gal wan2 show her 'good side' front of thier partner' famly n frens... 2 giv him da face cukup cukup.... but i did being v harshed once front of ur family... wh i really really sorry... gosh... i hurt u so much tat time.. sorry

sometimes i wish i follow wat ur wishes tat time... but its kinda hard as i still wan2 be myself... mayb we're being not matured enough or we r young .... life's like this mayb... then only we know what really we wan2 look for...



P/S: i had so much momories wif u... thanks for everything u brought to my life... sorry i din being perfect as u wish

history part 14

i dreamt of us yesterday.. and we argued... haih... ur facial expressions were da same...excatly the 1 i'm so familiar with... really wtf tat i din see u for almost a year.. but i still remembered well...



i don hve any news from u... i deleted u from my contacts.. all contatcs... i can't face u... afterall.. u din come 2 me intend 2 solve our issues... but i know i'm going thru it kinda well..



myb i should think from ur side, if i'm in ur shoes.. what would i do? but i can't coz i cant imagine that i would leave u alone , left u without talked to u.... i can't resists ur eyes... ur sadness... that's my weakness.... anyway it's over ... alre a yr plus... u go after ur dreams... i am in my life... my ordinary life...



i did hang out wif frens... and i did try my best 'observing' guys , single guys frens around... haih...i don't know why... i just wan2 get some1 who can share my life... it seems too hard for me... i don't know y... maybe da real 1 yet 2 appear or still on his way.... hahahah caught in some traffic jam, some wrong persons... b4 he can reach.... i did think so...



then i recall again 2 stupid history ... u said u start date few months after our seperation... i was like... how could u ar?? i mean how can i learn from u? 2 4get u then being close wif some1 i don even know tat wel... trying 2 LOVE him??? maybe it's easy for some people... or most people... it seems 2 be da hardest part i could ever done



i think i'm being stupid, or naive or maybe too loyal... i'm just v weird ... i wan2 move on... but i wan2 enjoy my life yet i do hope i can find guy who loved me... at least he wont being irrresponsible... da 1 i can live for da rest of my life... i'm not tat hardworking ppl in relations... once i find da 1, i wont wan2 change ....

history part 13

i kept remembered u these days... our history... gosh... sometimes i think, y cant we settle it? solve it? is it i'm being harsh? or i should be agreed wif wat decisions u'd made then, to jus KIV our probs back in yr ago... and u just pop out sudden half yr later, as if u wan2 SOLVe it...



i kept thinking, y i cant get u 2 talk 2 me that time? y i failed to get u 2 talk to me? y u can jus left without saying anything 2 me? u really had nth 2 tell me?? back in times when things happened?? or izzit true wh ppl told me that... u might act been cheated on me?? if so, then it might be da best answer 2 fill in the blanks y u left in sudden, without a word...



i presume, it stopped that time, though u din spell ur mind, i did my part n i had no regrets. coz i tried, i hav no regrets then.



i wondered, y u wan2 came out after it happened like half yr later, after i'd been thru all da ups and downs of alone.... u know i really felt i am useless, coz i always wan2 be my self, not da tough face u see, but till da end, i am still da tough character u seen, is there any guy can left da person they love(i think u did, i hope its not cheated), no goodbyes, no words, jus ask her 2 blah...



i kept hav all da words u told me: jus go, i don wan2 talk 2 u, i don wan2 see u, we are over, i cant stan these,...... it's not like u wan me 2 announce it to the world....



so i took all of them wif me.... packed all my feelings... i went 2 a place far far away so u wont ever see me again.... i started my life over again... i face my feelings, i live in miserable life... i am normal during normal times... bad times approached wh i'm alone.... i cried so much at nites... i hate nights so much.... i hate driving coz i will be crying as well, as soon as i'm in the car, musics on, tears started 2 dropped, i hate jams, coz tears are unstoppable, i don care what ppl in the next car think of if they saw me... i hate being alone... i hate that.... i hate wh i see my phone... i jus tried so hard 2 left it all over places... i don wan2 see it, coz i know, i will try 2 contact u... i hate myself so much for da months... useless indeed.



half yr later, u approached me, i dunno how 2 say no, coz i am useless, once again i hurt mysef... putting my mind in tat horrible times...



again... i'm killing myself n my decisions for 2nd time.... i had no guts 2 rejected u....



again.... i seems2 be getting over it.... when times are filled wif other much important issues....

u came again... i giv u ONE BIG SHOOT, n u never come back...



i know i am doing this, 2 help myself getting over this... i cant follow ur flows anymore... i hav my own life to live.... i have my life wh alre back 2 track... to me, there's no turning back, coz i dont see da benefit of doing so... i don need anything now... i don need explaination... now a yr after things happened... i solve things on the spot, not after that, not after ur free for me, not after u tired wif others n u sudden recall of me.... i am me... i am loyal to my love... wh i dont deserve people who cheated on me, and dont even hav da guts to talk 2 me.... i don need a person who runaway from problems to love me....



i am tough , indeed tough than u expect i am. i can cry on my own shoulder, i solve it myself, i move forward, don come to say sorry , wh u realise that u ACTUALLY HURT me b4..... i am not anyone... bear in mind... thanks to u... i am so tougher than i expected....



i always wan2 be dependent gal, wh needs some1 to protect me... but seems that i am too independent, that even this hard time, i get thru myself... no words of apology, no explanation, no discussion, no conversations.... but i get thru it thru support from my frens, family n myself...



luckily, i am not that useless afterall, i din say congrats on ur new partner, i jus be myself not giving respond... i knew if i am useless, i will never ever woke up from my dreams...



when u were gone, all questions marks seems 2 be pop here n there... i cant find or get any answares from anyone,anywhere,anything...



but when all da blanks fill in wif 1 word.... all questios, wonders are answered... cheated



yea best answer of all times... all questions are answered... gosh.... thus no further words shall conclude all my wonders...



i know, i deserve some better than this, some1 who at least hav guts, or courage and honest to their feelings...



p/s:

no pain no gain. its sad wh things ended in tragic, mayb i am too young to handle all these, or i am innocent/naive to think that its no big deal or probs in the relation...

i deleted u from my life

i don wan2 know anything more from u, i really don wan2 see u... coz i dunno if i will slap/kick ur ass/runaway/ from u.... or i will just run run run not turning back



i jus wan2 live my life.... without u anymore...



i am not perfect, i'm just being myself... dont change me... just take it or leave it....

history part 12

when i falled in love, it seems to be the best thing ever happened in life... i woke up in smile...

met him ... hanging, dating, driving around town, eatin, movie-ing, hang out at my place/his place, sitting next 2 him watching him play games... till i fall asleep, life can be so simple... yet happiness filled my ... overflow....

i like rainy days... coz i will get the chance.. taking umbrella.. standing close 2 him... walking in rain... smell the rain.. feel da cool air... holding each others hands... this is what i called happiness

to me, i want to remember the best moments in my history... bad momories let it gone with the wind...

p/s:
without u, i live in memories of & with u.. memories mayb be our fights and arguements mostly... but i remembered u in a smily face... ...... -Boys Before Flowers

history part 11

i remembered well... month after we started... it's a month of our STPM result... i did as what i'm expected... ai i'm just not science student who just rely on my only confident paper PA to help me out... but act i almost failed the paper as i drew a wrong chart in that paper... ppl say that will make me failed... luckily get an A-.... hahhaa not bad afterall...



guess what... he get straight As... i am speechless... not that i looked down on him... i just didn't expect he to be this EXCELLENT... gosh... i undertsand y ppl can get so jealous wh tis guys hav all da package:look, study luck...



sudden, i felt i'm so small... i felt so small.. i felt i am so poor... as if i didn't suit this excellent sun-shine guy front of me....



we met up.... i cried front of him.... so shameful.... =(

i looked at him.... i cried as if it's end of the world.... (drama queen)

my body moved towards him... we hugged... for the 1st time....



p/s: i can't recall when we hug for the 1st time, it's act reminded by him after we started few yrs later... he remembered the most... and i kept in my mind...



my sun-shine smile...

6th-7th April

i'm now been into my life. life fills with work, yoga, friends...



sometimes i am so emotion, thinking of past, recall of past... then i'm stuck into the mood of history... then i cried... which i didn't move forward... i cried in my car... back to those days



but sometimes... i am so happy.. i'm in mood... i can sing along loud in my car...



so i try not to going back.. i read novel.. heheh currently reading 'Angels and Demons'..

i make my schedule full.. i finished my classes late. i try 2 fill times wif frens...



sometimes i wonder.. how to define when i'm over past?

7th April

today been kinda pack wif jobs. feel times fill my life meaningful... but jus now wh way back in car.. i started talking to myself... abt history... i know that i need an explanation.. sort of reasons, answers ... y all these happened... but can i handle it? what i expect after knowing all? can i handle them?? i don't think so... i hope i won't know but will i over it? i kept asking myself...

Love can be simple, yet complicated

history part 10

we started... sometimes i think it's kinda fast coz we just knew each other around 3 months. but i knew, i like this guy... a lot....





not soon after that, we had our 1st valentines's day 2gether. we din celeb but i remember well, i gave him a key chain, my 1st present for him....


his present for me it's a anklet. way back b4 we were couple. that was a gift from him on his trip to pg back then. my fren told me, anklet means he wanted to tie your leg, so you won't go far away from him.... =) i'm touched.... i keep wearing anklet till now, though it's not from him. i don't know why, but i love having something 'tie' on my leg....

falling in love is always sweet, esp it's the very starting moments. everything seems so sweet, happy, every lil things can make u smile... easily smile from ur heart. times seems 2 stop when being with him.

i remembered the most, it's our 1st trip 2 pg after started. our most memorable walk along the beach side of GD. i;m wering this heels and we walked from starting point till the end... my legs killing me but i din realised much, mayb the feelings of happiness had flooded me ... =)

i like da feelings of holding someone's hands....hands of guy i like a lot...
i like da feelings of talking to u... coz ur so smart....
i like look into ur eyes... coz i see me inside ur big eyes......
i like standing beside u... coz u had this nice smell...
i like seeing u smile... coz it melted my heart...
finally i found u... da guy with charming sunshine smile i'd been looking for.....


p/s: i missed ur smile a lot...
it reminded me of what i had before....
sun-shine smile =)

history part 9

as usual i said hi. then his car started to move..



he spell it out. the phrases which never cross my mind for the past few months nor today. i'm surprised and shocked. i was quiet for almost few minutes. i want to say yes, but i thought we had this talked before, why still we want to risk?



"can we jus try 1st?" i suggested. at least if we won't hurt that much if it's not officially couple.

"no. either yes or no" he sounded 'threaten".



i remain silence... i really don't know if this will be good or bad. but if we never try, we never know. i looked at him, he was driving. i like this guy, a lot ...



"okay." he held my right hand. coz i'm on the left seat. he started to hold my hand when he spelled it.

i'm in love, for the 1st time in my life.

i remembered the night till now... it's very simple with feelings within...
i'm touched.

it's February 10 2004.


Love can be so simple yet so complicated.....

history part 8

i felt unease. we are friends. (that's what i think) friends should be friends as in normal way. why mummy had to see him? why he had to come in to say hi? why he agreed to come into my house meeting mummy? my friends did say hi when they came, but i think this is a bit more than normal friends...

i decided that i want to start decrease the days of catch up outing wit him. well, you might say i'm stupid, but he did mentioned, now it's not the right timing, and i agree. few months later, we shall go to diff places which we yet to know. i don't want to 'addict' into this friend. and i didn't expect for anything more. so i made my mind, i am going to say no for today's outing.

it's february 10 2004.

he SMSed as usual for a drink. i said no, giving lame excuses of family dinner. but actually dinner was at 7pm instead of 10 plus at night which normal time we hang out. he sensed it i think. he said just for a while. i pushed it to family dinner.

he called (which he didn't do that often). i said busy for dinner with family. "it just a while. i need to talk to you. i come by later." he hung up. i didn't have the chance to spell a word..

"i'd reached." i almost forgotten trying to forget about tonight. "give me a minute" i grabbed keys that's what i manage to take and wearing the my sleeping suites (tee n shorts). i didn't think twice of rejecting him. and there was me, inside his cute lil car...

history part 7

then tat day we were planning for a movie... so i put on my tops wif skirts and heels... 1st time in my life that i'm wearing all these wif frens... then mummy started 2 felt weird, why the daughter kept out at nights, she's wearing something diff some more...

'hey ask your friend come in say hi'

'huh... why, i need to go dy'

'say hi only, very fast one lar'

'errr.... i try lar'

''err... my mom's inside, she want you to come and say hi'

'oh... okay', so he met my mom... and we were friends that time...... weird right?

inside his cute lil car, i felt weird... nevermind, i still want to watch movie...

gosh... we didn't make it as the time alre past... aiks~~~ i think it's my mom then made us can't catch up for the movie....

back at home, he sms me.

'i'm sorry... we didn't managed to watch the movie... sorry coz your wearing so nice n pretty ( if i'm not forgotton) and we didn't make it....

it's all because of mummy lar.... i didn't watch the movie...

but it's mummy, that i get his compliments....

heheh.... it's a sweet night....

smile into sleep

history part 6

February 2004.... it's Chinese New Year....

he's not local thus we were not seeing each other during the festive seasons. our 1st 'separated' after being 'close friends' for months. i missed him when he's not around coz we met almost 24/7. but we still kept our contact of SMS each other, calls not often but i personally prefer sms .... maybe i don't want to let him 'know' my feelings from my voice... so we sms... and those 'intimate words' started to spell out... '..... i don't like here... v boring... i hope your by my side now'................

i kept read it again and again.... the very old model of hp's buttons almost damaged after my non stop of repeating 'exercise'. i knew, i like this person, but i won't tell him. i need to think what i want for myself.... no matter how, i won't take the 1st step....

the super long days of 'seperated' ( i think it's just like 3 to 4 days afterall) seems to 'challenge' my feelings to him. then we straight away catch up the day he backed....

i remembered well the place, coz i met 3 people sitting few tables away... hahhha
then we continue usual 'schedule' of chit chat and what happened when we both not for each other.... i took his classic hp ( this was v stylish hp back in those day... nokia 3310 if not mistaken) started to play with it. i realised, when i felt shy , i have this habit of browsing people's hp, as if want to see what they had inside.

and i was there, MENU==>Messages==>inbox==> fong lynn
fong lynn
fong lynn
.......
i saw my name on the screen, not one not two... but all the messages in inbox (those days inbox only can kept up to 10 messages only )... it's all my correspondances with him.... something has really going on btw us.... just that we won't want to bring it out....

i smiled... inside my heart.... i felt happy ....i did.... =)

then we left the place.. walking back to his cute lil car.... i remembered, we past by the alley... it;s kinda dark... all of a sudden, i saw the thing i feared the most until now... MICE... and i just scream.... not really loud, but something like 'ARRrrrrr'.... my body just noturally moved aside avoid seeing it, and shit... i accidentally 'touched' him for the 1st time.... i was so embarassing....what am i doing....

but no worries, i'm a good actress of hiding and keep myself back 2 calmness..

so we end our 1st outing after 'long seperation'.....
i explore new things...
i knew my feelings...
we didn't spell out.....
but i knew
he has special place in my current life...

i like night time...
and it's february 04

history part 5

things started to grow after the 1st outing to Nino's house. we sms, chat, hang out, friends interactions...



one day he mentioned he was going to work since instead of doing nothing at home. he said 'when i get my first pay, i shall treat you for a meal'. and there we were, at the place which i like the most of the food they served... HTK.. my favourite spot in as. it's an outdoor place, i don't think nowadays gals would actually go for outing in such place., but i still love it, mayb it's him i think....



so same cute lil car, same casual look of me wif home wear, he was in his same look wif shirt n knee length pants. our 1st meal together at this crowded HTK. then out of sudden b4 we get a seat, some1 called my name... a fren of mine or act its whole gang of friends which not so close but saying hi.... i felt bit weird actually, though nothing really happened..



so we get our food, having our 1st meal 2gether.... he treated me as promised... n i started to love the place much more than i used to...





it was January 2004....





we continue our outing, the time was night after his work, and mostly places like htk, or mamak stalls or mayb we just sat and have our talk... i don;t really mind anywhere... coz i knew.. that i started to seeing this person 24/7, and i think i had thoughts of crossing the friends border....





we did talked about the deeper friends' border, but i remember once he said 'times not right yet for me to get in relation as now i don;t know where will i go'.. i never ask and i never think further after that....



and it was January 04...



i like night time .... coz i can see you and we have a good talk of what we both experience during the day...

history part 4

so it is the day... sometimes in end of dec 2003 or might be early jan of 2004. he came as promised. he did knew where i'm staying coz my neighbour was a friend of his.. sometimes i wish the world is bigger, so when things become history, it won't keep remind you what you had been through

my attire was very typical casual wear, big size shirt + shorts knee length. i did asked myself b4 i went in the car, will he kidnapped me? hahhaa the next second, i'm inside his cute lil car and i might be kidnapped....

the journey to Nino's house around 40 minutes, but to me it's kinda like less than 40 minutes... we chat a lot, talked about things happened in life, tuition last time, school, people we knew...

finally, we reached. Nino said 'something happened btw two of u'. i kept thinking, not really it's just friends who visit friends, nothing more nothing less.....

then we were on our way back and sent me back, then my phone rang... my mom asked me fetched my bro from tuition.... so we were talked again in his car... the trip makes me feel kinda good that i finally get a friend who was outside from my circle of secondary schoolmates...

it's a rainy day if i'm not mistaken...
and i like rainy days....