history part 18

2day being so FRee.... check on my mailbox... found a file under the name "MY ANATA"





shit... heart beat keep dumping..i know... i will be 'reading something i had been untouched for year..'





haih..... those words are so meant back to those days.... da sweet years, da good years, da years when passions grew so well. i came across 1, i wondered if u remembered...





da gal lied on ur shoulder in da bus.... i really pissed off... coz she is da 1 who likes u.... prob is u din stop her... let her lied till she woke up... wat the Fish .... i wonder if it's me... either i lied on someone else's shoulder, or someone else lied on my shoulder... are you that cool? calm? steady?? i kept wondered.....





i should have deleted...all those mails we had b4... then it shall be time 2 called off..this rotten rship


all those intimate calls, intimate moments... shit.... its like movies, or i shall say it's like b4 people dead, da few moments b4 closed the eyes... all those memories flashed one by one like movies...

soemtimes i been trying so hard intend 2 get over what we had thru... but ur part of memories i had in life... mayb this is my 1st love.. my 1st rship and i put in a lot wh i din expect.... it seems hard 2 totally 4get abt u... but i know... no matter how... ur always be part of my life...

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free
So I'll let you fly'
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of your indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And i won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably, you'll be back again'
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no, no

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oh
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

recently addict to this song by MC ... but i love the version by DC... da lyrics so mean... hahah i wonder if i thinking too much... for being too positive sometimes... but at least i have faith in myself that i will fall in love again....

history part 17

love is really blind... make me blind... watever things u did.. watever i did.... really out of my expectations.. i did get mad wh u din do my way/wish.. i did easily 4giving wh i mad like... less than 24 hours... but i did have my bad habit.. bad tempered... wh as u said.. not much ppl can really take it... tat's da main reason y u left.. i did think so..

now is april... mayb ur bz apply for ur posting or u'd sitting for ur exam or u alre getting reply on wh u shall be serving.... i wonder... will we see each other again? will we talk again?? will i speechless? will i being frenly wh i see u? or will i slap u? hahaha i keep think of da things might happen, n the possibilities of this to be happened..

2day went to bridal shop getting some stuffs... da gal same age as me.. trying on her wedding gown... "wow... i'm almost 25... people r getting married... settling down... me?? hahah really funny... not even getting over past, not even have a partner...."

last time i used to think, we will move to this stage... now.. getting a partner is mission impossible.. getting married................ next life maybe.....

i don have faith anymore frankly speaking... coz it's hard to really know someone... getting used to live with someone from zero... decide to be with someone for another 20,30,40 years.... plus.... i don wan2 risk my time 'invest' in a relation which might end up like history... i don have that much of 47 months... i don have that faith to love someone and not to thinking da person shall be loyal,faithful.... i tell myself.. if i get a new partner(if i can find a new partner ), i wont wan2 be wif him for more than 2 years.... if i din see da future , i shall call it quit, or move on with some1 else.... but those just a positive thinking that, i manage 2 find so many ppl who really suits me....

hate when come to think i'm 25, no $$, no partner.... life just so shit... but i earn myself, settle my bill.... some frens can hav a partner, still thinking of another person hoping to get an chance to be wif... or a new relation... as if riding a car, looking for a new porsche... hahha

sometimes kinda worry, that i will be desperate that, once i meet a new partner who have da potential to be my companion, i just go and become someone's wife... within a year time... which kinda alot of examples around me.... scary... mostly is meet wif 'accident' then rush for the process of being mr & mrs...

u know... i now getting myself into stuffs u like me to do las time... a lot.... esp my look.... shit... must not let u know....

i wish... i can find my happiness... a.s.a.p..... lack of patience....

history part 16

seems like my progress of getting over u is not working... but at least my emotions are being controlled... i really need 2 get a new companion .... but i wont simply go n find as if shopping... haih... da rite man... where have u been?

ppl keep say as if i hav lots of dates, seeing guys... prob is... everyday also stay home watch tv, writting blog, onlie... stay home do nth... once while only some outing... ai... lonely but no1 knows....

its good wh think from other side that, i get da chance (comforting myself) live single life... but seems like... i started 2 feel bored dy... not soon sis might left, i will be alone staying here.... shit sure v hard 2 get thru days n nights.

"愛情是一種力量,一種願意讓對方為自己改變的力量。愛情的經營是靠兩個人的互相融合,遷就。沒有人天生就是完美的" --- last time i think all these are craps.. now feel like it really spell my mind...

i wonder what ur doing now? where are u? hows ur life? so envy tat u find ur new partner... haih y i still stuck in past... y i yet 2 find my right man...

i kept remembered... i kept pushing myself forward... i kept recall... i kept thinking....

tired... jus wan2 rest ... until i am ready again

history part 15

i recalled that, we act di hav so much momories though we met like 2-3 months once... which u stayed for short time like a week or two...

see... places we been b4 are: as itself alre a few.. like ap,gk, pg, ri,kk, ... kinda alot for students who din earn $$ yet... then we been had activities like... movies, swimming, diving somemore.. though i joined solely for u... hahaha then wat else... kinda a lot i think... i like our 1st trip to ri, my 1st trip i went wif u along wi ur frens... none of them i really know well but i knew it's wat u always wan2 to had... i think i had a good times there wif u n ur frens ... i think in mixing wif ur frens. i performed kinda well.. hahah praising myself... at least i wont isolated myself front of u and them rite?

oh ya then there's 1 trip , sort of a road trip back 2 as wif ur family... gosh,,, super scary i ever had... coz wif ur mom... i think i'm being so ... weird... unease coz i'm act sitting next 2 u... then ur mom was behind... i really dunno wat 2 say... how 2 hav a good conversations wif her.... but i tink later on wh went 2 ur house i did ok also lar... having meals wif them... hahah i washed plates for all da dish ler... i rarely did at my home k.... ur so lucky .....it's normal that gal wan2 show her 'good side' front of thier partner' famly n frens... 2 giv him da face cukup cukup.... but i did being v harshed once front of ur family... wh i really really sorry... gosh... i hurt u so much tat time.. sorry

sometimes i wish i follow wat ur wishes tat time... but its kinda hard as i still wan2 be myself... mayb we're being not matured enough or we r young .... life's like this mayb... then only we know what really we wan2 look for...



P/S: i had so much momories wif u... thanks for everything u brought to my life... sorry i din being perfect as u wish

history part 14

i dreamt of us yesterday.. and we argued... haih... ur facial expressions were da same...excatly the 1 i'm so familiar with... really wtf tat i din see u for almost a year.. but i still remembered well...



i don hve any news from u... i deleted u from my contacts.. all contatcs... i can't face u... afterall.. u din come 2 me intend 2 solve our issues... but i know i'm going thru it kinda well..



myb i should think from ur side, if i'm in ur shoes.. what would i do? but i can't coz i cant imagine that i would leave u alone , left u without talked to u.... i can't resists ur eyes... ur sadness... that's my weakness.... anyway it's over ... alre a yr plus... u go after ur dreams... i am in my life... my ordinary life...



i did hang out wif frens... and i did try my best 'observing' guys , single guys frens around... haih...i don't know why... i just wan2 get some1 who can share my life... it seems too hard for me... i don't know y... maybe da real 1 yet 2 appear or still on his way.... hahahah caught in some traffic jam, some wrong persons... b4 he can reach.... i did think so...



then i recall again 2 stupid history ... u said u start date few months after our seperation... i was like... how could u ar?? i mean how can i learn from u? 2 4get u then being close wif some1 i don even know tat wel... trying 2 LOVE him??? maybe it's easy for some people... or most people... it seems 2 be da hardest part i could ever done



i think i'm being stupid, or naive or maybe too loyal... i'm just v weird ... i wan2 move on... but i wan2 enjoy my life yet i do hope i can find guy who loved me... at least he wont being irrresponsible... da 1 i can live for da rest of my life... i'm not tat hardworking ppl in relations... once i find da 1, i wont wan2 change ....

history part 13

i kept remembered u these days... our history... gosh... sometimes i think, y cant we settle it? solve it? is it i'm being harsh? or i should be agreed wif wat decisions u'd made then, to jus KIV our probs back in yr ago... and u just pop out sudden half yr later, as if u wan2 SOLVe it...



i kept thinking, y i cant get u 2 talk 2 me that time? y i failed to get u 2 talk to me? y u can jus left without saying anything 2 me? u really had nth 2 tell me?? back in times when things happened?? or izzit true wh ppl told me that... u might act been cheated on me?? if so, then it might be da best answer 2 fill in the blanks y u left in sudden, without a word...



i presume, it stopped that time, though u din spell ur mind, i did my part n i had no regrets. coz i tried, i hav no regrets then.



i wondered, y u wan2 came out after it happened like half yr later, after i'd been thru all da ups and downs of alone.... u know i really felt i am useless, coz i always wan2 be my self, not da tough face u see, but till da end, i am still da tough character u seen, is there any guy can left da person they love(i think u did, i hope its not cheated), no goodbyes, no words, jus ask her 2 blah...



i kept hav all da words u told me: jus go, i don wan2 talk 2 u, i don wan2 see u, we are over, i cant stan these,...... it's not like u wan me 2 announce it to the world....



so i took all of them wif me.... packed all my feelings... i went 2 a place far far away so u wont ever see me again.... i started my life over again... i face my feelings, i live in miserable life... i am normal during normal times... bad times approached wh i'm alone.... i cried so much at nites... i hate nights so much.... i hate driving coz i will be crying as well, as soon as i'm in the car, musics on, tears started 2 dropped, i hate jams, coz tears are unstoppable, i don care what ppl in the next car think of if they saw me... i hate being alone... i hate that.... i hate wh i see my phone... i jus tried so hard 2 left it all over places... i don wan2 see it, coz i know, i will try 2 contact u... i hate myself so much for da months... useless indeed.



half yr later, u approached me, i dunno how 2 say no, coz i am useless, once again i hurt mysef... putting my mind in tat horrible times...



again... i'm killing myself n my decisions for 2nd time.... i had no guts 2 rejected u....



again.... i seems2 be getting over it.... when times are filled wif other much important issues....

u came again... i giv u ONE BIG SHOOT, n u never come back...



i know i am doing this, 2 help myself getting over this... i cant follow ur flows anymore... i hav my own life to live.... i have my life wh alre back 2 track... to me, there's no turning back, coz i dont see da benefit of doing so... i don need anything now... i don need explaination... now a yr after things happened... i solve things on the spot, not after that, not after ur free for me, not after u tired wif others n u sudden recall of me.... i am me... i am loyal to my love... wh i dont deserve people who cheated on me, and dont even hav da guts to talk 2 me.... i don need a person who runaway from problems to love me....



i am tough , indeed tough than u expect i am. i can cry on my own shoulder, i solve it myself, i move forward, don come to say sorry , wh u realise that u ACTUALLY HURT me b4..... i am not anyone... bear in mind... thanks to u... i am so tougher than i expected....



i always wan2 be dependent gal, wh needs some1 to protect me... but seems that i am too independent, that even this hard time, i get thru myself... no words of apology, no explanation, no discussion, no conversations.... but i get thru it thru support from my frens, family n myself...



luckily, i am not that useless afterall, i din say congrats on ur new partner, i jus be myself not giving respond... i knew if i am useless, i will never ever woke up from my dreams...



when u were gone, all questions marks seems 2 be pop here n there... i cant find or get any answares from anyone,anywhere,anything...



but when all da blanks fill in wif 1 word.... all questios, wonders are answered... cheated



yea best answer of all times... all questions are answered... gosh.... thus no further words shall conclude all my wonders...



i know, i deserve some better than this, some1 who at least hav guts, or courage and honest to their feelings...



p/s:

no pain no gain. its sad wh things ended in tragic, mayb i am too young to handle all these, or i am innocent/naive to think that its no big deal or probs in the relation...

i deleted u from my life

i don wan2 know anything more from u, i really don wan2 see u... coz i dunno if i will slap/kick ur ass/runaway/ from u.... or i will just run run run not turning back



i jus wan2 live my life.... without u anymore...



i am not perfect, i'm just being myself... dont change me... just take it or leave it....

history part 12

when i falled in love, it seems to be the best thing ever happened in life... i woke up in smile...

met him ... hanging, dating, driving around town, eatin, movie-ing, hang out at my place/his place, sitting next 2 him watching him play games... till i fall asleep, life can be so simple... yet happiness filled my ... overflow....

i like rainy days... coz i will get the chance.. taking umbrella.. standing close 2 him... walking in rain... smell the rain.. feel da cool air... holding each others hands... this is what i called happiness

to me, i want to remember the best moments in my history... bad momories let it gone with the wind...

p/s:
without u, i live in memories of & with u.. memories mayb be our fights and arguements mostly... but i remembered u in a smily face... ...... -Boys Before Flowers